Today is really a sad day. I also don't know why, but just very sad, totally no mood. i'm in a very bad mood. Friendship, My lover, all of them are very far from me. Last year, when I'm in trouble, I always have Mrs Ng, Nicholas Ng, Desmond Khoo, Wanni, Hui Shan, and a lot of people. Andre, Kenneth, Joshua, Joel, they are very far from me now. I don't know weather i can pass my English in JC without Mrs Ng, I don't know weather i can understand everything without Nicholas and Desmond, I don't know weather I can still have joy in school without Joel and Kenneth, I don't know weather I still can be motivated without Jasmine's smile...... I'm comfusing now, I want to go swim, not because I want to exercise, but I want to put my whole body into the water and see what I will think under the pressure of water. Nobody is able to help me. Parents are totally useless in such things, they can give me money, but they cannot help me when I'm in trouble.

I always want to end my life, but I cannot, I hate the way I pretend in school, I don't want to pretend that I'm a joker and I don't mind everything. That's not me, maybe Jasmine knows me well, but I don't even know weather I still got chance to see her once in the rest of my life. I cannot force her to do anything.

Before I choose to go JC, a lot of people told me that JC life is totally different from Secondary school. I didn't believe that until the first week when I enter the school. I still need to pretend myself. Obviously, in the new school, I don't have a true friend who really knows I am what kind of person. I'm different from everyone in SRJC because I got a lot of trouble that I have to deal with them without anyone's help. There are several times that I was very angry in school, but what can I do? I only can smile. I can't do anything to protect myself.

I can tell that these 2 year will be a great obstacles in my life, I must bear with it, I must deal with it. After I finish JC, I will got a chance to allow myself to relax. But now it's not the time yet, however, I don't know weather i am still alive after 2 years. There are too many reasons that i want to kill myself. or maybe let someone kill me.

Thanks Lynette, always give me smile in school, and always say hello to me. She is a good friend. I feel lucky to get into same school as her.

Nowadays, I truely understand the meaning of "Nobody could understand the agony felt in my soul."